I keep secrets. It’s people I tell them to that can’t.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
Life is all about perspective. Sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?
Alcohol’s a perfect solvent: It dissolves families, marriages and careers.
Time is the most valuable and most perishable of all our possessions.
Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
If your left leg was Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?
What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.
When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right – I feel ten years older already.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”