The Mystery Kitchen Utensil…
My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen. The mystery of the spoonspatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale. It’s a pooper-scooper.
One Reason To Buy a Painting
At an art gallery, Woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between my painting and one by another artist’s work. They finally went with mine. “I guess you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said. “No,” said the ten-year-old boy. “Your painting’s wider, it’ll cover three holes in our wall.”
Pick a Husband, any Husband
As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily and describe him… “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly …” She stopped me there, and said “Honey, today is senior day. They all look like that.”
The Floor is Still Wet
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped Sergeant asks, “Have you arrested her?” “Not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
A Real Gut-Buster
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha¬¬! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does, it’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
A Key to a Good Marriage
I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
Love Once a Year, a Great Joy!
Therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each grinning widely.
“Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins less vibrant. “How about once a month?”
A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” Man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked – this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” The man yells, “Today is the day!”
“Buy Yourself Something Nice, Jerk”
My intern friend, was given $50 to get his boss some lunch. And was told to get himself something, he bought a shirt. Insulted and complimented at the same time It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.”
Jay Leno on Pet Scams
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Fishing for Whiskey
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
The Best Legal Advice Ever…
It was spotted on a billboard ad, a Lawyers Legal Advice:
“Just because you did it doesn’t mean you’re guilty.