Home / Entertainment / Vinay Menon: Dr. Tucker Carlson, the Vladimir Putin of medicine, is now advising his male fans to tan their testicles

Vinay Menon: Dr. Tucker Carlson, the Vladimir Putin of medicine, is now advising his male fans to tan their testicles

In his new documentary “The End of Men,” Tucker Carlson encourages his male viewers to embrace “testicle tanning.”
Tucker Carlson has new medical advice for his male viewers. 

It’s time to embrace “testicle tanning.” I will say this about the popular Fox News host: it takes a lot of balls to speak out of your ass every night. But Carlson is not a philosopher king so much as a gifted illusionist. His shtick is to feign outrage behind a constipated resting face while railing against liberal bromides and poisons. To his fans, he is an antidote to the MSM and despised “elites,” a sociological construct that apparently does not include heirs to frozen food empires who pad around country clubs in silk cravats and deck shoes.

Carlson was born to more money than his fans will earn in their lifetimes.

That they see him as a working-class hero is a magic trick that rivals Houdini.

But let’s get back to the testicle tanning.

Dr. Carlson, who recently bragged about not being vaccinated against COVID-19 and who routinely frames public health as partisan theatre, has returned to one of his old bugaboos: Men are doomed. Men are an endangered species robbed of XY agency. How dare these radical feminists refuse to make us pastrami sandwiches during football?

In his latest documentary — I’m using “documentary” in the same way Khloé Kardashian might be described as a “botanist” — Dr. Carlson bemoans the demise of rugged masculinity, unaware he is to manly men as SpongeBob SquarePants is to spheres.

If I found myself in a bar brawl, the last person I would want on my side is Tucker Carlson.

Give me Honey Boo Boo. I don’t want to be fending off broken beer bottles and flying stools as my wingman turtles under a table in the fetal position while sobbing at a frequency that replicates a balled-up sock stuck in a Dyson vacuum hose.

Carlson, who has a makeup artist, is worried modern men are not tough guys?

In the trailer for “The End of Men,” we begin with archival footage of JFK extolling the virtues of physical fitness, while also decrying “soft, chubby, fat-looking children.” The theme is clear. Hard times create strong men. And weak men — insert the requisite footage of Joe Biden stumbling on the stairs of Air Force One — are a disgrace. So it is time for strong men to “re-establish order” and save us from squishy cultural demise.

We move to a montage of muscled, half-dressed blokes that is so homoerotic, I’m now wondering if Mr. Carlson might at least be bi-curious. These lads are engaged in manly man pursuits: chopping trees, throwing truck tires, grilling meat, milking cows, swallowing raw eggs and firing at bottles of cooking oil at a shooting range for no apparent reason.

Dude, did you see how I messed up that Canola? High-five!

But the money shot, if you will, comes from one naked fellow who is standing on a rock formation, arms outstretched in the altocumulus clouds, as a silver machine blasts red light where the sun is not supposed to shine. Dr. Carlson later told his male viewers they might boost testosterone levels by “testicle tanning.” Right. And feel free to prevent colon cancer by bleaching your anus. Worried about heart disease? Just dye your chest hair!

To be fair, testosterone and sperm counts and anabolic steroids in males are all in decline. They have been for years. It is concerning. Dr. Carlson is right about that. But pushing medical quackery is never the solution. I guarantee you, thousands of Tucker fans this week have removed their underpants, shouted “Let’s Go Brandon!” and then squatted over their George Foreman Grills until they had to apply eucalyptus to scorched nutsacks.

It’s insane. Tucker fans are now seeking a urologist who might write them a prescription for genital laser tag at Dave & Buster’s. I’m starting to believe he is trying to kill his viewers. Tucker was an anti-vaxxer during a global pandemic, which is like being anti-umbrella during a monsoon. He keeps telling his groupies traditional medicine is the disease. It’s only a matter of time until he declares cancer a radical left myth that can be cured by headstands in a pit of vipers. Don’t be surprised if his next hot take is on how seatbelts are a liberal plot to restrain your rights. Why must we buckle up? Why can’t we hurtle through the windshield after hitting a tree because we were distracted while screaming at talk radio?

Testicle tanning?People, testicles need to be relatively cooler, which is why they hang outside the body. Lifestyle and environmental factors are wreaking havoc on testosterone. Change your diet and go for a run. Don’t ask a bro to Tase your gonads so you might finally reproduce or open a jar of pickles. It makes no sense.

There is a reason Carlson is now a darling on Russian state TV. The Kremlin recognizes him as a useful idiot who is happy to tear Western society asunder for ratings and rubles. I would not be surprised if Vladimir Putin texts him every day: “Please condemn Ukraine.”

By his own admission, Tucker lies when needed. There is also a reason he has been fired more than once: he overvalues cultural reaction while shirking responsible action. He keeps thinking his fans are dumb enough to be duped by a cynical embrace of dark fantasy.

In this way, Tucker Carlson and Vladimir Putin are exactly the same.

And once you understand this, you will never, ever tan your testicles.

 

Vinay Menon is the Star’s pop culture columnist based in Toronto. Follow him on Twitter: @vinaymenon

 

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Credit belongs to : www.thestar.com

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